Kenyon Film Society Allstus,
Fall 2003

We start with KFS...

We start with Weekend Update... which would work if it weren't so unoriginal... KFS must retain its originality...

You know how you go to your favorite bar? And your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?"

"Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve."

Then you're thinking, hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff. But you still want your drink.

And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the bar; you don't wanna have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad cause Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't...

Well, I'm Steve. What can I get ya?

KFS Presents:
ADAPTATION.
Dir. by Spike Jonze
8:00 PM
Higley Auditorium

No, no, we start with the middle. A little change, it's the easiest part to write. Right?

We start with some great statement about film today. About how things like THE GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY and CITIZEN KANE and whatnot have led up to tonight's film, ADAPTATION.

Anything, really. We need to get off our ass. Our fat ass. Turn this organization around. Just be real, confident. Be the organization that gives away posters and plays the drums. We don't have to be flashy, showy.

But that's not true, not these days.

We'll still be exclusive, though. There's no changing that.

Promising never to quote Colin Quinn again,
Brian

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KFS trusts no one.

Tonight's movie is NOT, I repeat, NOT the reason the campus network died.

Admittedly, not a "worm," but still, a bug. Not even something or someone that Spider-Man could fix. This one is admittedly way out of his realm.

KFS Presents:
SPIDER
Dir. by David Cronenberg
8:00 PM
Higley Auditorium

Like the FRIDA-FRIDAY dilemma we had last semester, we're figuring that someone in the distribution house is making sure that people don't get copies of SPIDER-MAN when asking for SPIDER. Not that either would really be a disappointment, but still. We've already shown SPIDER-MAN. And we don't like repeating ourselves.

Tonight's movie actually allows us to forgive Ralph Fiennes for THE AVENGERS and MAID IN MANHATTAN. This is impressive, even though he never actually had to say the word "belt-tacular."

God, that never gets old.

SPIDER also shows what happens to former very well-manicured government agents post-retirement. Although, in this case, the person didn't so much "retire" as he did get blown up in a car bomb. Technicalities, technicalities. We're sure he's at least happy to be alive again, and out of the depths of HIGH SCHOOL HIGH.

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If you were expecting CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND, KFS apologizes for the inconvenience. CONFESSIONS was not available for this date, so KFS had to reschedule. Hopefully, you'll be happy with our replacement. We WILL be showing CONFESSIONS in the spring semester, so look forward to that, you Dr. Doug fans you.

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Making up some chicken pies,
Brian and Mrs. Tweedy

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KFS vs. Pokemon, Round 1.

For tonight's film, KFS presents its first tale of the tape of the year: Team Zephyr vs. Team Rocket.

Sidekick:

Zephyr: (none)
Rocket: Meowth

Advantage: Zephyr. Even having no real sidekick is better than Meowth.

Apparel Advantage: Zephyr. Team Rocket's clothes are lame. They look like they are so lame.

Accessories:

Zephyr: Skateboards, etc.
Rocket: Pokeballs

Advantage: Rocket (Dude, some Pokemon are pretty nasty.)

Ultimate Goal:

Zephyr: Rebelling against the 70s mainstream.
Rocket: TryingtostealAsh'sPikachubecauseAsh'sPikachu'selectricalpowersaregreaterthanan
yother!!!

Advantage: Zephyr, although just imagining the vocalization of Rocket's sentence is hilarious.

Video Game Franchise:

Zephyr: TONY HAWK'S PRO SKATER
Rocket: POKEMON

Advantage: Push

See? Tonight's film totally wins.

KFS Presents:
DOGTOWN AND Z-BOYS
Dir. by Stacy Peralta
10:15 PM
Higley Auditorium

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For real. We got Higley fixed. You should be very appreciative.

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This film would also count for KFS's cultural education and outreach program. Not so much to educate the student body on skateboarding (we figure that you've all heard of the X-Games or Tony Hawk in some way), but to educate the greater community.

That's right, skater kids. We're attempting to make sure that you never get another ticket for skating up and down 308. We figure, if we educate the greater community, enlighten the people in it, then they'll be more accepting and not call up the deputy to ticket you.

Because it never hurts to help.

Even though, the chances of Knox County community members (that aren't Kenyon students) coming to see a movie about the birth of skateboarding is a stretch, you can't say we're not trying.

We're also preparing you for our upcoming film, JACKASS: THE MOVIE. Come to this, be educated, and then you'll at least be a little more prepared for that. A little.

Reigning Vert champions,
Brian and Bucky Lasek

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KFS, taking pot shots.

No, that's not illegal. Check the KFS Mission Statement on our website. Drugs are one of the things we here at KFS DON'T do. Besides, the concept of "pot shots" makes no sense.

Not like we'd know or anything.

Anyhow. On to making fun of people.

So, whether you watched the past season of "American Idol" or not, the concept of most of the contestants trying to do Motown should be enough to get a cheap laugh out of you. However, we strive for more than that. More cheap laughs, that is, not better ones.

And we really couldn't get through this allstu without talking about Michael Jackson. I mean, we could, but we'd be missing out on so many cheap laughs.

Because he's Michael Jackson. Saudi interrogators don't get him. Former wives don't get him. Paparazzi, his own children, and Macauly Culkin don't get him. Does anyone?

Guess not. Must be why he needs four TV specials per year to try to explain himself.

Incidentally, all of those combined are not nearly as good as...

KFS Presents:
STANDING IN THE SHADOWS OF MOTOWN
Dir. by Paul Justman
8:00 PM
Higley Auditorium

Anyhow. Tonight's documentary is about the Funk Brothers, which is not the same as either the Chemical Brothers or P-Funk. That doesn't mean it's any LESS good than a documentary about either of those, because consider all the artists that the Funk Brothers backed:

- Smokey Robinson
- Gladys Knight
- Martha and the Vandellas
- The Four Tops
- The Temptations

And so on. So it's not like you'll be lacking in entertainment or amazing musical talent. Just no George Clinton. We showed PCU last semester, remember?

Helping you make it through the night,
Brian and the Pips

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KFS, makin' it better than it was.

No, kids. Tonight's film is not about any of the following celebrities:

- R. Kelly
- Peter Paul Rubens
- Pete Townshend
- Jeffrey Jones
- Paula Poundstone
- Arnold and Jesse Friedman

Sorry to disappoint. It's not those kinds of kid pictures. Come on. KFS isn't sick.

And, since we're so good at telling you what our movies are NOT about, here's another tip. Tonight's movie is in no way connected to Sheryl Crow or Kid Rock's penchant to make at least one slow country song per rap-metal album.

Because that makes sense.

KFS Presents:
THE KID STAYS IN THE PICTURE
Dir. by Nanette Burstein and Brett Morgen
8:00 PM
Higley Auditorium

And let's try to be on time tonight, Kenyon. Punctuality is a virtue. Just listen to my fish. He used to eat at set times. But you've upset him, and now he's on a hunger strike.

Don't kill my fish, Kenyon.

Devils without a cause,
Brian and Joe C

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KFS, not endorsing "indian giving."

However, you can get your degree in Indian Giving at CGNU. This comes right alongside programs like Sending Me a Dollar. All you need to do is send in your Free Art Test, which consists of drawing a guy with a big knife, and you'll be considered for application. The Future is You... probably.

(for explanation: http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail26.html)

Anyhow. Tonight's movie is neither about Indians or Native Americans. And yes, Kenyon, there's a difference. And shame on you if you use the "dots, not feathers" example for telling them apart.

Honestly. Shame on you.

Native Americans got the shaft. And so did Vietnam veterans. Hence, the connection (sort of) to tonight's film.

KFS Presents:
THE INDIAN RUNNER
Dir. by Sean Penn
10:15 PM
Higley Auditorium

Don't be confused, Kenyon. Aragorn is not a Native American. He may live in the woods and use bows and blades, but Aragorn is not a Native American. I mean, technically, he's not even American, he's from Middle-Earth, but... whatever. Enough nitpicking Aragorn's race.

We're not trying to pass him off as one in tonight's movie, either. The title's a metaphor. You know. The comparisons that DON'T use "like" or "as."

Not that you needed such a reminder, being the English-savvy school that you are, as opposed to, say, Orange County High School. KFS is simply all about the reinforcement of knowledge, and, once again, it never hurts to help.

In another round of "Confuse the Distributors," this is not the same film as THE FAST RUNNER, which we're showing next Saturday. (HELPFUL HINT: just call it ATANARJUAT, the Inuktitut title. Confusion stops there.) Even though that's about Native Americans in Canada. Not that you should be at all confused by that. Because, y'know, a movie about a Vietnam veteran coping should have more right to the title THE INDIAN RUNNER than a movie that's actually about an "Indian" who runs.

Confusing Kenyon is oh so much fun,
Brian and New Order

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KFS, relying entirely on gimmicks.

We here at KFS have no idea why Adam Sandler has singled out the Lunch Lady as the finest employee of the grade school era. Because it's simply not true. This, of course, brings about:

KFS Tale of the Tape v2.0: The Lunch Lady vs. The Crossing Guard

Uniform:
Lunch Lady: Apron, plastic gloves, hairnet.
Crossing Guard: Orange reflector vest, poor man's police hat.
Advantage: Crossing Guard. Go to Abercrombie, kids. I'm sure orange is more "in" than aprons are.

Political Correctness:
Lunch Lady: None, though I know I didn't have any Lunch Men. Probably because it's just not a good title.
Crossing Guard: Non-gender specific title. Go, political correctness, go!
Advantage: Crossing Guard.

Place of Work:
Lunch Lady: School kitchen.
Crossing Guard: That little box that people always mistake for a phone booth.
Advantage: Lunch Lady. Neither is a particularly great job location, but the lunch lady doesn't have to deal with the rain.

Dedicated Artwork:
Lunch Lady: Adam Sandler's song, "Lunchlady Land"
Crossing Guard: Tonight's film.
Advantage: Crossing Guard.

Even though tonight's film isn't specifically about a crossing guard, it's about a jeweler. It's a metaphor, Kenyon, which we reminded you of last allstu. As you can probably tell, Spicoli is all about the metaphors.

So, of course, tonight's film wins.

KFS Presents:
THE CROSSING GUARD
Dir. by Sean Penn
8:00 PM
Higley Auditorium

That and, y'know, there really isn't a movie with Lunch Ladies as their subject. The closest we ever get is the role of the Janitor in ELECTION, and even then it's not a really large role. All he really does is feel spiteful and hates Matthew Broderick for making his life hell, so he exacts revenge and ruins Matthew Broderick's entire lifestyle. The whole movie is about the janitor's revenge. Or not.

Which fits in with tonight's movie. The revenge part, that is, not the spite over spilled old Chinese food. That would just be silly, and Sean Penn isn't really all about silliness. Except when you consider his decision to marry Madonna. Because damn.

Overusing colons,
Brian and Morticia Addams

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KFS, pandering to the alumni.

I pledge allegiance, to Queen Fragg
And her mighty state of hysteria.
And to the grief of the public,
For a glitch that stands...
on patient, under a frog that's invisible...
speaking 'flibbertygibbet and pie crust for all!'

That's a pledge that can be allowed in American public schools. Admittedly, we don't have a queen, and I don't know many people who would be named "Fragg," but still. Perfectly allowable, because no deity is involved.

Bill Watterson could never be prouder. He re-wrote the Pledge of Allegiance.

KFS Presents:
THE PLEDGE
Dir. by Sean Penn
8:00 PM
Higley Auditorium

Well, I suppose he could, if we ever show that CALVIN AND HOBBES feature-length film that he's supposedly drawing by hand. Not that we have insider information on that or anything.

[insert maniacal laughter here]

Doing the splits,
Brian

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KFS, debating geometry with children.

There's so, so much temptation here to do Round 3 of KFS's Tale of the Tape series, but frankly, there would be absolutely no contest. Tonight's film would blow its opponent out of the water.

It's opponent, you ask? GANGS OF NEW YORK.

I mean, the battle would be over in sheer minutes. For one, all the gang members in tonight's film are on drugs, and if you've ever played a GRAND THEFT AUTO game, you know that drugs give you superpowers*. Then, there's the matter of weaponry, and everyone in the 21st century knows that guns and semiautomatic weapons are far, far superior to swords wielded by clergymen that are in the shape of a cross.

Not like the kids in GANGS OF NEW YORK know what actual violence is, because every single scene of violence they see there is loaded with geysers of blood and elephants in the background.

In New York City.

And that's just half a page on the matter. If we were to continue, you'd probably fall asleep reading it, and not make it to tonight's movie. And besides, Voltaire said that a surefire way to bore someone is to tell them everything. And Lord knows these allstus aren't boring.

Wow, we sound smart.

KFS Presents:
CITY OF GOD
Dir. by Fernando Meirelles and Katia Lund
10:15 PM
Higley Auditorium

This film title is, incidentally, not a horrible mistranslation or typographical error. Yes, there are powerful drug dealers and gang warfare all over the place in places other than the City of Angels.

And, I mean, that's almost an understandable mix-up. God, angels... it's all spiritual, right? And this is Speaking in Tongues Week, right?

EVERYTHING comes full-circle here at KFS. Even this allstu.

Cyclic,
Brian and So-crates

* Drugs don't actually give you superpowers. Derr.

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KFS, revealing our singular nature.

Sadly, tonight's film will not count for your language requirement. Sorry, Kenyon. We like to help, you know we do. But we just can't do everything for you. Like provide a trolley to Higley. That's just out of the question.

Do we still expect you to show up? Of course. Because it's not like it's any less educational, just because you can't get college credit for it. We seek to educate as well at KFS, but we're not professors. Just college students.

Student, more specifically.

KFS Presents:
ITALIAN FOR BEGINNERS
Dir. by Lone Scherfig
8:00 PM
Higley Auditorium

Tonight isn't so much a round of "Confuse the Distributors" as it is "Confuse Kenyon." Because, well, this is a Dutch movie. And the word Italian is in the title. But it's a Dutch movie with some Dutch actors playing Italians, and other Dutch actors playing Dutch characters learning to speak Italian. Such confusion leads back to the 16th Century or so, when both the Low Countries and Northern Italy were controlled by the Habsburg Empire.

And we're sure that that's exactly what Scherfig had in mind when making this movie. Reuniting two branches of the Habsburg Empire.

Except not. Not at all.

Readying for Pretentious Cafe,
Brian and "Emogirl"

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KFS is laying down the odds.

So, we're only showing one other three-hour long movie this semester, and it's THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE TWO TOWERS. Chances are, you've heard of that one, and you know, offhand, how brilliant it is.

You think we'd waste your time with another three-hour long movie if it wasn't just as good, if not better? We're not mean. Intentionally confusing, yes. But not mean.

KFS Presents:
THE FAST RUNNER (ATANARJUAT)
Dir. by Zacharias Kunuk
8:00 PM
Higley Auditorium

Needless to say, Prefontaine is contained nowhere within tonight's movie. Neither, thankfully, is Jared Leto. Because he would fit oh so well is Northern Canada in Inuit culture.

Well, maybe he would if he were starring in DANCES WITH WOLVES 3. Even then, we'd be talking massive overproduction, Oscar bait, and even some silly romantic subplot. And, since every woman in this movie is in love with either someone named The Strong One or The Fast Runner... do you think Jared has a remote chance?

Our money's on the Inuit people. Now, if they had to take on Butterbean...

So it's shameless self-promotion for JACKASS: THE MOVIE, but still. Butterbean vs. Atanarjuat, particularly in this film's style of deathmatch, would be a most interesting battle.

Spiritually, ecumenically, and gramatically,
Brian and Jack Sparrow

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