Kenyon Film Society Allstus,
Fall 2002
- Amelie
- Gosford Park
- Donnie Darko
- Startup.com
- The Gleaners and I
- Sunset Boulevard
- Double Indemnity
- Jesus' Son
- Breaking the Waves
- Heavenly Creatures
- Pi
- Trekkies
- Drop Dead Gorgeous
- This is Spinal Tap
- Waiting for Guffman
- Midnight Cowboy
- Drugstore Cowboy
- Monsters, Inc.
- Waking Life
- Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
- No Man's Land
- Amores Perros
- The Exorcist
- Cube
- Joy Ride
- Bottle Rocket
- Rushmore
- The Royal Tenenbaums
- Sullivan's Travels
- Imitation of Life
- Bonnie and Clyde
- Following
- The Man Who Wasn't There
- Final Surprise Movie
And we can only guarantee that one of those two things will take
place at Kenyon this evening. We have no comment about the one that we aren't in charge of. You can check out our
mission statement for further details of what we do and what we do not do.
Something else we abhor: when people keep keys that they're supposed to return. Yeah. That really blows. Blows
a lot.
Relatedly, "someone" absconded back to Nashville with a set of keys that KFS is supposed to have. And
NASHVILLE is arguably Robert Altman's best film. We showed it last year. Not very many of you came. We abhor that,
as well.
But NASHVILLE's a pretty old film, and we all know how much OLD films suck. Tonight, we don't have that problem.
This Robert Altman film is all shiny and new. It has that "new movie smell."
Relatedly, we're hoping that another skunk hasn't gotten into Higley, as was the case sometime before AMELIE on
Wednesday. Relatedly, you use your nose in a coke-race. We abhor all of these things. Except AMELIE, which is scrumtralescent
and stands up to several thousand viewings.
KFS.
GOSFORD PARK.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
He's no Ron Howard, but Robert Altman IS a pretty badass senior citizen. He could probably beat Burt Bacharach
in a knife-fight. And a coke-race. Just ask Robert Downey, Jr.
He's not in GOSFORD PARK. But Ryan Phillipe is. And that's hilarious. People throw ducks at him and mock him for
his atrocious Scottish accent. Poor Ryan. He finally makes a movie that isn't all about his abs, and he gets mocked.
That's a damn shame. But he's married to Reese Witherspoon, so he can't really complain too much, because he never
has to pay for anything. He's a kept man. And Reese could probably take him in a knife-fight.
Sadly, he doesn't play the bagpipes, either. But Jeremy Northam sings. He's no Ewan McGregor, though. But he's
going to play Dean Martin in an upcoming biopic. KFS would like to be the first to say, "You sir, can get
the hell out of town." We'd also like to say that "biopic" is a fun word to say. Even more fun when
said with a bad Scottish accent.
Maggie Smith is in GOSFORD PARK, too. And we adore her. She's ACTUALLY the coolest senior citizen, despite what
J-Fro says. She's only in the movie to be snide, which is something that we certainly appreciate quite a lot. If
GOSFORD PARK were CLUE, which it kind of is but with accents and a class-system sub-plot, she'd be Ms. Peacock.
She can't be Ms. White, though. As cool as Maggie Smith is, she's still no Madeline Kahn. But she's much cooler
than Lesley Ann Warren. And Coleen Camp didn't age well. She played Reese Witherspoon's mom in ELECTION. So, she
technically played Ryan Phillipe's mother-in-law. And she had a hilarious French accent in CLUE.
Everything comes full circle. Not as well as in the MAGNOLIA allstu, but it's early in the semster, and we're a
bit out of practice.
Getting by on our ab power,
Valerie and Jonathan
We aren't actually showing STORYTELLING. Not this semester, anyway.
There's no anal sex in this movie, but there is a deleted scene called "Impalement." Coincidence? You
decide.
You can also decide whether or not quoting the deleted scenes of a movie just to make people mad makes us elitists.
We don't really care. The deleted scenes are funny. Drew Barrymore has a much bigger role in them, and Drew Barrymore
talking is always hilarious. Always.
KFS.
DONNIE DARKO.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
This movie is DONNIE DARKO happy. In fact, it inspired the phrase "DONNIE DARKO happy," because it's
just that damn good. Here are some analogies to help you:
DONNIE DARKO: happy.
Brian Dunkleman: pathetisad.
AMELIE: scrumtralescent.
Smurfs: asexual.
Drew Barrymore: well-informed about environmental policy.
Jena Malone: nubile.
Donnie Darko would do well with this. His test scores are intimidating. He also paints. And he has emotional problems.
He'd fit in well at Kenyon. And Jake Gyllenhaal almost came here, according to the Admissions people.
His decision not to come here is a product of fear. According to Patrick Swayze, at least, and we wouldn't want
to defy him. He might do things to us. And that brings us back to STORYTELLING. But we won't tell you why.
And then there's Frank. He's a 6' tall, metallic-looking rabbit who can tell the future. Frank's an elitist. He'll
make fun of your man suit. But he comes in handy when engines fall off of planes or when you need to travel through
a wormhole. Y'know. Things like that.
But don't worry. Just because there's a giant rabbit, you shouldn't think that DONNIE DARKO is in any way connected
to SEXY BEAST. DONNIE DARKO is actually good. A lot good. The rabbit in SEXY BEAST is aboriginal, whereas Frank
is a bunny from the future. Here are some analogies to help you:
Frank: Rabbit from the Future
SEXY BEAST rabbit: Aboriginal. And Stupid.
Ling-Ling: Fearmonger.
earmuffs: endearing.
feces: baby mice.
Grandma Death: N.E.R.D.
See? We're not elitists. We're being helpful. It never hurts to help! (If you're the first person to tell us what
we're referencing there, we'll seriously give you a poster. We have many, and we'll share them. Not elitists. Populists.)
To summarize (which is also helpful, because we're longwinded):
DONNIE DARKO: As good as MEMENTO or MOULIN ROUGE. Infinitely better than MULHOLLAND DRIVE. So you have to come
see it. Otherwise, you're just being a fuckass.
Analogies: always helpful.
KFS: Populists, in our own special way.
Frank: In the air.
Voting for Dukakis,
Jonathan and Valerie
Tupac says so. And he has his own font, which makes another way he'll
collect royalties from beyond the grave. That seems like a pretty faithful deal, but whatever. We won't argue with
Tupac, because that would be really hard to do, seeing as how he's dead and all. VH-1 calls him a "thug angel."
Angelina Jolie, as it turns out, is also not a faithful girlfriend. She's in HACKERS. Her handle was 'acidburn,'
or something else relating to venereal disease.
That poor, poor Cambodian boy. He's going to end up on ebay someday, like all of Drew Barrymore's childhood memorabilia.
And that brings us to the topic of dot-coms.
Today's KFS challenge: Why is it that no one pronounces .edu as "dot-Ed-You," the way that everone says
"ORG" and "COM"? It's always "dot-E-D-U." C'mon, tech nerds. This is your chance.
Go for the gold!
KFS.
STARTUP.COM.
WEDNESDAY, 10:15 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
See, it's a documentary about the rise and fall of a dot-com. HACKERS is about the rise and fall of a couple of
dumbass hackers. It's more fun to talk about HACKERS because it sucks. We enjoy the subplot about making mixtapes
you can't buy in stores. STARTUP.COM has subplots, as well, but we don't want to give them away. We're being deliberately
coy.
One of the stars of HACKERS' next project is the upcoming film SWIMFAN (with the crackwhore from TRAFFIC, no less).
The next project for the stars of STARTUP.COM is standing in line to collect their unemployment check. Aww. That's
sad. Because the dot-com they started wasn't actually a bad idea, unlike HACKERS.
Or www.cat-scan.com, which is possibly the worst idea ever. Why that hasn't gone bankrupt-- or
at least gotten back to the humane society and/or PETA-- we'll never know.
Not dead, just in hiding,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Back to top.
Offhand, we can't think of a song that makes better use of a dog
bark. That can be the KFS challenge for the day. But you won't win a poster for this one, seeing as how it's purely
opinion-based.
For instance, no one is going to give US a poster for having the opinion that French guerilla sports are stupid.
Y'know, the people jumping from buildings and whatnot in the new series of lame Nike commercials. That's a new
sport in France. A new sport with no equipment, no discernible rules, no skills required, and no way to win (unless
everyone else dies). And it's supporting sweatshops! Go French people, go!
Also, "Le Parkour" can serve as a resolution to the long-standing, "East Coast v. West Coast"-esque
feud between skateboarders and in-line skaters. They can unite to beat up the dumbasses who keep jumping off balconies.
Seriously. They like falling off buildings, so they must like getting the living shit beaten out of them. It's
good clean fun.
If "Le Parkour" had been around five years ago, maybe Tupac wouldn't be dead.
KFS.
THE GLEANERS AND I.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
So, "glean" is a really fun word to say. "Parkour" is also fun to say, but it's french, so
it doesn't count. Unless it's said with a whole bunch of other french words together, like in today's movie, and
then it counts.
But THE GLEANERS AND I isn't about "Le Parkour," because that would be lame. It's about Gleaners. Duh.
Other things that are fun to say: vainglorious, smock, shirk, verisimilitude, zeitgeist, cacophony, cuckold, burgoo,
cuomo, umlaut, eunich, apple fritter, keanu, courvoisier, laminate, whateverishly, fabolous, gyllenhaal, tylenol.
And many other things, as well.
If you bring your own heart-shaped potato to the movie, you WILL get a free poster. Seriously. But we are to judge
the "heart-shapedness" of any entrants.
This assignment must be completed with, but not involving, your whole ass. A half or quarter-assed assignment will
only get security called on you. Not a poster. Security.
Surprised we got through an entire e-mail about stealing without mentioning Winona Ryder,
Jonathan and Valerie.
That's really sad. We heart Warren Zevon and his werewolves of London.
He was in the house when the house burned down.
Lots of great celebrities have died this year, and that makes us sad, because a lot of them didn't even make it
onto the little IN MEMORIUM tribute things on all of the major awards shows.
Cases in point: Thuy Trang, the actress who played Trini, the yellow Power Ranger. Or Heather Chandler, who unironically
had a brain tumor for breakfast.
Dudley Moore died. But he'll make it onto the tribute thing. Probably. And Christopher Cross will get another royalties
check. Unless he died when RJ sang ARTHUR'S THEME on American Idol, which would've been understandable.
Anyway. Billy Wilder. He'll definitely be on the tribute at the Oscar's this year. Either that, or Kevin Spacey
will wear a picture of him on his tie.
KFS.
SUNSET BLVD.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
So, if we weren't so attached to our "Billy Wilder Memorial Week," we would've shown FRIDAY THE 13TH
PART 5: A NEW BEGINNING tonight, since we showed HALLOWEEN on Halloween last year, and that was great.
And in SUNSET BLVD, the narrator is a dead guy, so that's kinda like a horror movie. Except not. But it's still
great. KFS loves movies about psychopathic aging film stars with creepy faces. Whee. That's the second reference
to Kevin Spacey in this allstu. I'm sure Gloria Swanson enjoyed goosing waiters, too. But she's more discrete when
she asks for blowjobs.
=============================================
KFS inside joke: What does the narrator do? He narrates.
=============================================
Billy Wilder has more tricks than a carload of monkeys. But that's from DOUBLE INDEMNITY, so maybe we should've
saved that for tomorrow's allstu. Or maybe we'll just use it again tomorrow and hope no one notices. Whatever.
Warren Zevon has lung cancer. We have more important things to think about.
Triceratops,
Jonathan and Valerie
That's DOUBLE JEOPARDY. Which is not what we're showing. DOUBLE JEOPARDY
was not directed by Billy Wilder, and, therefore, it does not fit within our theme week. We don't like it when
our theme weeks get disrupted. It makes us want to commit insurance fraud. With the guy who played THE SHAGGY DOG.
He's fun.
KFS.
DOUBLE INDEMNITY.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
====================================
Billy Wilder has more tricks than a carload of monkeys. But that's from DOUBLE INDEMNITY, so maybe we should've
saved that for tomorrow's allstu. Or maybe we'll just use it again tomorrow and hope no one notices. Whatever.
Warren Zevon has lung cancer. We have more important things to think about.
====================================
But there was a monkey in SUNSET BLVD, as well, so our allstu from yesterday wasn't completely wrong. That monkey
was dead, however. Just like Warren Zevon will be relatively soon. Here's a relavent poem by Dave Sloan to commemorate
DOUBLE INDEMNITY / SUNSET BLVD. It's not about insurance fraud, though. It's about something else. Dave Sloan.
We didn't write this, but there are times we wish we did. It's just that good.
============================
DEAD MONKEE GROWS COOLER
Monkey fell through a hole in the sky
Exploded on the rocks right by my side
Held that beast to my chest with his body still warm but
Dead Monkey grows cooler
Dead monkey grows cooler
Wound up crab come clacking his claws
Laughing hyena licking at his balls
Bats buzzards rats and worms
Gathering for the feast 'cause
Dead monkey grows cooler
Dead monkey grows cooler
Now I know I was a monkey
Way back when
I was seven year old
Hiding up in that tree
Uncle Bernie with his belt
Down there looking for me
The ground where I landed was rocks and roots
Dead monkey grows cooler
Dead monkey grows cooler
No crawling leaping creatures gonna eat this one
Dark deep and safe
You know I gotta bury him
So I take my belt and tie his neck
To a rusty truck hub
Throw 'em both in the ocean where
Dead monkey grows cooler
Dead monkey grows cold
=========================
See? We told you it was good. A glorious literary triumph.
Barbara Stanwyck is in DOUBLE INDEMNITY. She's no Dave Sloan, but she's pretty good, too. Better than Ashley Judd,
even. If that's possible. I mean, she was in THE DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD, and that was "Dead
Monkee Grows Cooler" good. Not to be confused with "DONNIE DARKO happy," which is something entirely
differnt (and actually good).
Matt from THE REAL WORLD: NEW ORLEANS might disagree, though. He's the reason we know about Dave Sloan in the first
place. Still, he was better than Julie. Ashley Judd should kick her ass. Or cut her with Wynonna's latest nose.
Or use her special Ya-Ya Sisterhood hat-making supplies. Whatever. We're still not going to show her movie, but
we'd be way grateful.
Fondly remembering SISTERS,
Valerie and Jonathan
Unless you own a copy of their CD with the original (censored in
the States) liner notes with the leather glove caressing a naked ass. Then you are still relatively cool. And you
earn bonus points if you bought the CD during the summer of 2001 when the band was enjoying their hilarious, yet
incredibly short-lived Only-England-Knows-About-Us-Even-Though-We're-Rich-Punks-From-New York run.
But if you bought a copy of IS THIS IT with the STANKONIA-infused "safe" cover after you saw them play
on an episode of LATE NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN you are a lemming. That's not a bad thing. We like the Strokes.
They were the world's first four-car garage band. That's hilarious. And we like vaguely indie things. It's just
really hard to be cool when Carson Daly knows your name.
KFS.
JESUS' SON
WEDNESDAY, 10:15 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
The "Indie-ness" of JESUS' SON: A Pro/Con list
Pro: It was released by Lion's Gate Films, which is NOT Miramax and therefore is acceptable.
Con: Lion's Gate Films also released
DOGMA, the first evidence that Kevin Smith
is, indeed, a whore.
Pro: Billy Crudup is in it. He's only sort-of famous and is dating an equally sort-of famous actress (Mary-Louise
Parker).
Con: Dennis Hopper is in it. He'll be in
anything. He's like the American version of Michael Caine.
Pro: The main character has a drug abuse problem. But they don't really make a thing of it. Ooh. Edgy.
Con: The drug of choice is heroin.
C'mon, that's lame. Heroin is WAY too
mainstream. The only cool drugs are the
ones you accidentally discover when you
decide to lick everything in your room.
Pro: Billy Crudup won an Independent Spirit Award for his performance.
Con: Most awards are bullshit. Remember,
according to the 2001 Academy Awards Ron
Howard is a better director that Robert Altman.
Pro: The movie includes a scene where a Mennonite woman sings in the shower. Heh heh.
Con: FOR RICHER OR POORER. The Amish
do not always equal good.
We're perfectly fine with "vaguely" indie.
Hoping Crucial Taunt will release a live album,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Here's a fun trivia question: What film received the most uniformly
positive reviews this summer?
Incorrect answers that make more sense than the real one: MINORITY REPORT, THE BOURNE IDENTITY, MY BIG FAT GREEK
WEDDING, THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST, ROAD TO PERDITION.
The actual answer: BLUE CRUSH.
We shit you not.
You know, the MTV-produced movie about SURFING. Apparently, it's a feminist allegory. With sand. And jellyfish.
And Michelle Rodriguez and her cornrows but not her swords. A feminist surfing allegory. Best movie of the summer.
Take that, Miramax!
KFS.
BREAKING THE WAVES.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
This movie is not about catching a bitchin' wave. Nor is this movie about the proper way to put on a wetsuit.
Other things BREAKING THE WAVES is not about:
-Gleaning.
-Corey Feldman.
-Bjork.
-Smiling dogs.
-Gang warfare.
-Racism.
-Tiddlywinks.
-Grisly woodshop deaths.
-Bob Eubanks.
-Precogs.
We will say that this is an excellent film, in a DANCER IN THE DARK without the songs sort of way. See, if you
come to the movie without prior knowledge, it's like you're opening a package-- a tin of money, if you will-- only
to find the money missing. It's a surprise. And also sad. But it builds character.
We can look things up online,
Jonathan and Valerie.
You can figure out where this is going. You're smart people.
But, in a pre-Nelly era, Peter Jackson was a visionary.
KFS.
HEAVENLY CREATURES.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
As is the case with pretty much all of his non-LORD OF THE RINGS movies, this film is all kinds of fucked up. But
this is probably the only one that's based on a true story, and that just adds to the creepiness. At least, we
hope that DEAD ALIVE isn't based on a true story. Well, and LORD OF THE RINGS is a true story, too. To some people
anyway.
But we like Peter Jackson. He's the
Comic Book Guy from THE SIMPSONS. Seriously. See?
We also like Kate Winslet, and she's all kinds of naked in this movie. But she's all kinds of naked in practically
every film she's ever made. Let's reflect:
-HEAVENLY CREATURES. Very naked. And very, very young. That's dirty.
-SENSE AND SENSIBILITY. In her underwear, and soaking wet.
-JUDE. We haven't seen this, but she plays Sue Bridehead. If you've read the novel, you'll understand.
-TITANIC. Gets drawn naked.
-HOLY SMOKE. Naked and pisses on herself.
-QUILLS. Naked. AND DEAD. And then has sex with Joaquin Phoenix. WHILE SHE'S DEAD.
-IRIS. Naked in the water, naked on land. And she brings Jim Broadbent with her.
She isn't naked in A KID IN KING ARTHUR'S COURT, so good for her. But she's the female Ewan McGregor, fun accent
and all. Except she's not in STAR WARS. But Peter Jackson directed LORD OF THE RINGS, which is the new STAR WARS,
so it all balances out.
Giving a shout-out to The Neptunes,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Andie MacDowell enjoys pie. She sings a song about it in MICHAEL.
A song that her character wrote, even. It's a country ditty. About pie.
MICHAEL, alas, is a movie we will never show, for reasons specified in our mission statement.
Maybe you can download the song on Kenster, though. That would be fun. It's a good song. Of sorts.
Mmm. Pie.
KFS.
PI.
WEDNESDAY, 10:15 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
It's not like Darren Aronofsky was going to make a film called "FREE GOO" or "SACRELICIOUS."
SAXOMOPHONE would be a great title, though. That's a movie we would actually show. The editing would be hilarious,
and horrible things would happen to all of the characters, but whatever. "Darren Aronofsky's SAXOMOPHONE"
is just too good of an idea to pass up. Brad Pitt might even commit to that one. And then flake out shortly thereafter.
His wife is now EMMY-WINNER Jennifer Aniston. But we still believe Ryan Phillipe and Reese Witherspoon will have
more attractive children.
Movies about math are happy. Except when they're directed by Opie, who would easily lose a knife-fight to Darren
Aronofsky. Darren Aronofsky has BATMAN in his back pocket, whereas Ron Howard only has THE GRINCH. That's a no-brainer,
although BATMAN VS. THE GRINCH would be an excellent addition to the new trend of "VS" films that are
coming out.
-BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER
-BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN
-FREDDY VS. MORRISSEY (and his "sad, poetic eyes")
Darren Aronofksy's BATMAN VS. THE GRINCH would definitely be the best film out of all of those. It'd end up like
the TINY TOONS' interpretation of "Particle Man," and that's fun. Assuming that "Particle Man"
had a heroin addiction or a really nasty aneurysm. Or was being chased by a militant Kabbaleh sect. Michael Stipe
thinks that's jackass. Just ask Courtney Love. Or don't. She's beat your ass and then sue you.
She's scarier than a whole bunch of Wall St. executives with machine guns. And Charlize Theron hates her. Which
brings us back to Andie MacDowell and the KFS mission statement! The end.
Tuba-ma-ba,
Jonathan and Valerie
I mean, FOR RICHER OR POORER. That's good stuff. That's Tim Allen
AND Kirstie Alley, who is arguably the best actress of all time.
We were heartbroken when VERONICA'S CLOSET was cancelled. We prefer to think of it as "retired," instead.
Kathy Najimy is just too good for network TV.
Anyway. GALAXY QUEST is actually good. Darry from JEEPERS CREEPERS / horny lab partner from Britney Spears' CROSSROADS
is in it, as is Darrell "Chill" Mitchell. He was in HOUSE PARTY movies, and we all know how great those
were. Yeah. We like movies that make fun of things. We're sure that's a surprise to everyone.
KFS.
TREKKIES.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
We realize that Trekkies are easy targets, but anyone who wears Vulcan ears voluntarily has it coming, as do people
who speak Klingon. People should never become fluent in made-up languages unless it's Esperanto and you're Jason
Schwartzman, because that's hilarious. We aren't sure if any of the other Coppolas know Esperanto, but they're
a talented family, so some of them probably do. Nicholas Cage's performance in CAPTAIN CORELLI'S MANDOLIN demonstrated
his skill with a variety of languages, so he's a good bet to know Esperanto. Bella bambina, two o'clock!
He earned his Italian accent from the Chico Marx school.
Anyway. William Shatner is in TREKKIES. He's ready for the shizow. That's what happens when PriceLine.com pays
you in stock. And it's not like he gets any residuals from the HALLOWEEN movies or anything, so he needed the money.
Here's a fun game:
Wil Wheaton (aka Wesley Crusher from STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION) was in TOY SOLDIERS with Sean Astin (aka Samwise
from THE LORD OF THE RINGS). And that's the movie we're showing tomorrow. See? That was fun. It's fun to connect
things to other things. Especially when it's STAR TREK and THE LORD OF THE RINGS.
If only we could do that with BABYLON 5 and STAR WARS. If YOU can make a connection between the two, you seriously
win something. A poster, maybe.
Shrink-wrapping Lucy Lawless,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Charlie Sheen likes stupid girls. He also likes really expensive
prostitutes.
And now he's married to Denise Richards. Coincidence? We think not.
You can tell that she's not especially bright because of her disproportionately small head. It's tiny and should
come with a little sign that reads, "NO BRAIN HERE" or something to that effect. Because there's no room
for a fully developed brain inside that skull. No room at all.
But it's not like people really look at Denise Richards' face anyway. Nor does she get hired because of her acting
ability. Basically, she gets paid to show off her cleavage. Which, if you think about it, makes her a prostitute.
Other famous prostitutes include: J-Lo-He, Elizabeth Hurley, Charlize Theron, Tara Reid, Penelope Cruz, and Jack
Black (we're not limiting our definition to chest-cleavage).
But Denise Richards has special talents that make her better than the average A-list Hollywood prostitute. She
can pronounce "Mexico" correctly. She knows that Sammy Davis, Jr. is dead. And she's president of her
local Lutheran Gun Club.
Charlie Sheen only makes good decisions.
KFS.
DROP DEAD GORGEOUS.
WEDNESDAY, 10:15 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
Yeah. Charlie and Denise, as part of their prenuptial agreement, conceded that they can each be in precisely ONE
good movie over the course of their respective careers. His is BEING JOHN MALKOVICH. Hers is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS.
Although, admittedly, VALENTINE is pretty spectacular. But Denise would rather be boiled alive than bring that
up.
Ooh... foreshadowing. For a movie we're not showing. Except that it still kind of works.
DROP DEAD GORGEOUS actually has several people who usually aren't in good movies. For instance, Kirstie Alley.
But we've already discussed FOR RICHER OR POORER three times this semester, so we won't bring that up again. But
she plays Denise Richards' mom, which is a bit of unrealistic casting, since Kirstie Alley has a disproportionately
large head, although she's never given any indication that she is of even average intelligence. But her Minnesotan
accent is top-notch.
MAD TV's Will Sasso, before he lost 100 lbs, is also here. So DROP DEAD GORGEOUS serves as a time capsule, of sorts,
for the days when Will Sasso was the funny fat guy, as opposed to the funny broad-shouldered guy who does a really
bad impression of Lance Bass.
Kenyon's Emmy-winning alumna Allison Janney ('83, a date we're making up but which sounds realistic) plays a trailer-park
slut, too. She said that she used her time at Kenyon as research for this role. The slut part, not the trailer
park part.
That's another thing we're making up but which sounds realistic. Playboy or Penthouse or something has our back
on this one.
And one of the guys from MTV's THE STATE directed DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. Alas, no one puts their ass in a car-trunk
full of vanilla puddin'. But a gas-drenched swan and contaiminated shellfish serve as acceptable substitutes.
DROP DEAD GORGEOUS is also a timely, relevant film, because of its patriotic subplot. USA, A-okay! And that sounds
even better with a funny accent. It's reassuring, even.
Amer? I can!
Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ,
Jonathan and Valerie
So, neither of us is actually going to be on campus this weekend.
But that doesn't mean we're slacking off or anything like that. We're responsible KFS presidents. You have certain
expectations of us, and we fulfill those expectations. We rule.
KFS.
THIS IS SPINAL TAP.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
KFS.
WAITING FOR GUFFMAN.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
We're sad that we're missing 2/3 of MOCKUMENTARIES WEEK, but we did get to see Denise Richards dance with a giant
crucifix, so we're good. But we'll miss Parker Posey singing "Teacher's Pet," and that's somewhat sad,
because she's hilarious. We heart Parker Posey. Even in SCREAM 3, a movie we decidedly do not heart.
Yeah. So, if you're on campus this weekend, you'll have a couple of movies to watch. Go KFS, go!
Staying far, far away from a cabin in Michigan,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Defying all odds, it seems that Lukas Haas actually hasn't died of
a heroin overdose. We haven't checked Yahoo! news today, though, so don't hold us to that. He's gangly. And really,
really gross. Like Edward Furlong gross. Except maybe worse, because he has weird facial hair sometimes and looks
vaguely like Chris Robinson, lead singer of the Black Crowes, who also defied all odds and married Kate Hudson.
Kate Hudson is famous for playing a groupie, which is similar to playing a prostitute. Which is something Lukas
Haas has done. Again, he's gross. He attempted to explore the seedy underworld of male prostitutes in the movie
JOHNS, which co-starred David Arquette.
Yes, David Arquette. Playing someone that people pay for sex.
Eew.
When he was a vampire in BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, Luke Perry wouldn't even let him inside the gym FOR FREE. No
monetary transaction would've been involved at all... but, alas, David Arquette was deemed unworthy of being allowed
inside a building. Somehow, this makes it difficult to believe that anyone would pay him for sex.
Eew, again.
KFS.
MIDNIGHT COWBOY.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
In MIDNIGHT COWOBY, Jon Voigt also plays a male prostitute. That's ironic because his daughter in real life ended
up having perfect blowjob lips. I mean, think about that. Irony triumphs yet again.
Richard Gere has also played a male prostitute, in AMERICAN GIGOLO. And he was in America's favorite whore movie,
PRETTY WOMAN, with Julia Moder. That was supposed to be about the seedy underworld of Los Angeles whoredom, but
it ended up being about shopping and people with enormous mouths and horse teeth.
She's pregnant, you know. Supposedly. But a month ago, she also said that she has that STD that means you DIE if
you get pregnant, so now we don't know what to believe. It would be silly if her life turned out to be STEEL MAGNOLIAS.
We'd rather her life turn out to be MARY REILLY. That would be funnier.
But back to MIDNIGHT COWBOY. It was the first X-rated film to win the Best Picture Oscar. Not that another X-rated
film has ever won Best Picture, or ever will, unless Ron Howard decides to direct a film about the seedy underworld
of prostitution in Whoville. But that's a fun bit of trivia you can use to impress people at dinner parties. Or
when you're trying to haggle with a prostitute over his/her asking price. Whatever. You decide. We won't pass judgment.
You're not Julia Moder, so far as we know.
But Steven Soderbergh still might make fun of you in a movie. We can't promise that he won't.
We would come back to Lukas Haas at this point, but he's really gross, and that would make us feel dirty. Maybe
his good pal David Blaine could make his nasty facial hair disappear. Then he wouldn't be so dirty, and David Blaine
could prove that he's an actual magician, instead of just someone who does really stupid shit. He's also friends
with Leonardo DiCaprio. And he's the king of the world. He has friends in high places and can afford A-list prostitutes.
Instead, we'll come back to David Arquette. He was the best spokesperson for 1-800-CALL-ATT. Just dial down the
center, Kenyon!
Hoping Carrot Top will trip on his phone-hands and crush his larynx,
Jonathan and Valerie!
Prefixes are fun. Specifically, the prefix "pre" is fun.
Tonight's movie has lots of PREs:
-Matt Dillon, pre THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY.
-Gus Van Sant, pre GOOD WILL HUNTING.
-Heather Graham, pre BOOGIE NIGHTS.
-James LeGros, pre ALLY MCBEAL.
-James Remar, pre MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION.
KFS.
DRUGSTORE COWBOY.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
It's a film about drug thieves. And we all know that the pharmaceutical industry has had it too good for far too
long. People rob drugstores to stay high, which means that DRUGSTORE COWBOY might even be about quaaludes. Or other
hilarious pre-E drugs.
It's also connected to last night's movie, MIDNIGHT COWBOY, because Gus Van Sant directed MY OWN PRIVATE IDAHO,
another movie about male prostitutes. It's also connected in that it has the word "COWBOY" in the title.
Our thought process is two-fold.
Neither of us have seen this movie, but everyone who HAS seen this movie swears that it's great. We're even willing
to bet that it's better than GOOD WILL HUNTING. Everyone says so.
No one, alas, says that it's better than MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION. That's a tough movie to top, so we won't
try.
Lazily,
Jonathan and Valerie.
But not SHREK.
That's why it makes sense that we're showing this movie:
KFS.
MONSTERS, INC.
WEDNESDAY, 10:15 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
We would show SHREK if we hated you. See? The logic follows, as it always does in our allstus. We may not tell
you what the movie is about, but we at least have consistent internal logic.
Take that, David Lynch!
Concisely,
Jonathan and Valerie
Remember, it's only clay. It's not like we're actually advocating
the death of Justin "The Cute One" Timberlake. Even though it's sort of up-in-the-air as to who would
win this Celebrity Deathmatch. The Oscar voters come down in favor of Justin. Isn't that adorable? He has the world's
lamest falsetto... worse than Justin Guarini from AMERICAN IDOL, who is the child of Three-Noses-Ago Michael Jackson
and Sideshow Bob. And that's relevant because Justin Timberlake thinks he's Three-Noses-Ago Michael Jackson, forgetting
that Usher already has dibs on that pop-music niche.
Usher has ab power, by the way. Ab power and a promotional contract for Twix.
Next on F-List Celebrity Deathmatch: Hoku vs. Wild Orchid.
But back to Justin Timberlake. You know that you have real credibility when one of your songs is featured in a
Nickelodeon Studios production. JIMMY NEUTRON: BOY GENIUS, in fact, is just one long N'Sync video. Only, somehow,
less cartoonish.
KFS.
WAKING LIFE.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
We're not sure who's on the soundtrack to WAKING LIFE, but we're willing to bet that it isn't O-Town. It's probably
some sort of trance / house mix. Ethan Hawke would enjoy that. HEY THAT'S MY BIKE is on the soundtrack, though,
with their atrocious cover of "Add it Up," which still manages to trump J-Fro's cover of "Get Here."
Ethan Hawke and Steven Soderbergh, however, might wax philosophical about whether or not one can "cross the
desert like an Arab man," and whether or not that's offensive. What do YOU think, John Spragens?
In defense of "Get Here," at least they say "Arab" correctly, instead of pronouncing it "A-Rab,"
which would be even more offensive. What do YOU think, Lucy Martin?
Anyway. WAKING LIFE. The animation is scrumtralescent. It's rotoscoped just like the model who posed for SNOW WHITE,
except that the whole movie is animated that way. It took them 10 years to make. Isn't that cool? Justin Timberlake
only needed 8 months to make JUSTIFIED, by comparison. His follow-up album, JUST-IN-TIME will probably be out by
the end of the year, and then JUSTINCASE will be out sometime next Spring.
Here at KFS, we're all about quality over quantity. What do you think, Kenyon Sluts? Remember, it IS parents' weekend.
Make an effort not to be disgusting this weekend. And try not to resent us for calling you on it.
Dancing on top of a giant boom-box,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Back to Top
Seriously. You do. Just look at what movie we're showing tonight.
Really. Look:
KFS.
RAINBOW BRITE AND THE STAR STEALER.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
The Rainbow Brite movie. We're showing it. THE RAINBOW BRITE MOVIE. Do we really have to tell you why you're coming
to see this?
If there were a TODAY'S SPECIAL movie, we'd show that, too. Except that MANNEQUIN and MANNEQUIN 2: ON THE MOVE
pretty much covered the department-store after-hours genre.
And MAGNOLIA is already the PINWHEEL movie, plus frogs.
But the fact that we're showing this movie at all means that we should really be in charge of all executive decisions
made about everything. If we ran the world, we'd end up knitting a giant net around the entire planet, because
that would be silly and it would keep all of the color from escaping. And you know how we feel about color.
We heart the color kids and their ridiculous stereotypes. At least Canary Yellow wasn't Asian, unlike Trini from
MIGHTY MORPHIN POWER RANGERS, RIP.
Honestly. It's THE RAINBOW BRITE MOVIE. Just come see it.
Fighting over the superiority of cartoon horses,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Tonight's film, apparently.
That's if you believe the people who vote for the Golden Globes AND the Oscars. Because this movie actually beat
AMELIE for Best Foreign Film at both of those awards shows. Go figure. We can't say for certain, though, because
we haven't actually seen it, but we're showing it because we assume that, in order to beat out AMELIE twice, this
must be at least a little bit good.
KFS.
NO MAN'S LAND.
WEDNESDAY, 10:15 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
It's a black comedy set in the middle of a war. So maybe it's like DR. STRANGELOVE. In which case, it might actually
be better than AMELIE, because DR. STRANGELOVE is. For some reason, AMELIE shies away from the topic of war. We're
not sure why. Soldiers must not have fabulous adventures.
Unless it's a war fought entirely by garden gnomes, in which case NO MAN'S LAND, again, might actually be better
than AMELIE, because that would be hilarious.
And, for those of you who don't like to read, this is one of those "foreign" films that contain a lot
of English, so only parts of NO MAN'S LAND are subititled. Everyone wins. It's a foreign film for cheaters, lazy
people, and illiterates.
Maybe that says something about the Golden Globes' and the Oscars' respective voting contingencies. Who's to say?
Thanking America for the invention of the squib,
Jonathan and Valerie.
That's super easy.
Or not. We'll leave that to Will Ferrell. Or James Van Der Beek.
Or for you: That's this week's KFS challenge. Submit lyrics to a song about Captain Gingersnaps. We'll judge the
best one and you'll win something. Just ask the people who won the TREKKIES challenge, who are still waiting for
us to deliver their posters to them a month after the fact... We never said we weren't lazy. That's why we're not
making up the song.
We're too busy planning the intervention for Mr. Rocky Balboa. He has an alcohol problem, as do most pugs. Which
is surprising, because we thought that he was kicking a nasty heroin addiction, since he had the shakes in almost
every episode of DOG SHOW.
It's sad when dogs get drunk.
KFS.
AMORES PERROS.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
What exactly does that title mean, you ask? That's super easy. It means "Love's a Bitch," which is a
great, great title for a movie. No dogs actually get drunk in this film, but there are some really disturbing dog
fights. And that's cool, unless you're in PETA or a vegan or whatever. You probably wouldn't like those scenes
too much. But otherwise, there's not so much to worry about.
It's sort of like PULP FICTION, but in spanish and better. So, if you liked PULP FICTION, you should come see this
movie. If you didn't like PULP FICTION, you should also come see this movie. If you like dogs a whole lot, you
might not want to come see this movie. If your childhood dog went to live with a nice family with a big farm out
in the country, you should definitely come see this movie, because it will make you feel all nostalgic and whatnot.
And you'll have time to see this before the Halloween parties. Mr. Rocky Balboa is going, too, dressed like a pirate.
Yarr. Captain Gingersnaps will be dressed like a ballerina. Yarr, again, since ballerinas don't say anything really
hilarious, except for Vanessa Carlton, who should just stop speaking altogether.
Hating the world today,
Jonathan and Valeri
Still, that's better than being at fat camp.
Just ask Marty Sherman, son of film critic Jay Sherman. Now he can do more chin-ups than the kid from Easter Island!
Go Marty, Go!
Linda Blair doesn't have to go to fat camp, though. She's already really good at throwing up. But pea soup is really
gross, so we're not blaming her for her bulimia.
KFS.
THE EXORCIST.
WEDNESDAY, 10:15 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
Whatever you do or do not believe, there are just some things you shouldn't do with a crucifix.
Mmm... sacrelicious.
And this is the re-released version, which means that it has the really fun scene where Linda Blair walks on the
ceiling. Just like Spiderman, but without the radioactive spider or the really gross puberty metaphor.
THE EXORCIST is not brought to you by Dr. Pepper.
And no fashion design montage, either. You'll have to wait until Spring semester for a film with a fashion design
montage. And it won't be SPIDERMAN. Just wait. This is going to be RAINBOW BRITE AND THE STAR STEALER good.
Not that THE EXORCIST isn't good because it doesn't have a fashion design montage. It's plenty good on its own.
Any movie which has had its plotline blatantly stolen by DAYS OF OUR LIVES has to be good.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, MACY GRAY!
Or not. Although it would be really hilarious if she had been edited into the re-release of THE EXORCIST. Then
the priest could've done an exorcism on her to figure out what the hell is wrong with her voice. Not that we don't
love her, because we do, but still. She and Linda Blair could have a contest over who has the scarier hair.
Except that Ellen Burstyn's end-of-REQUIEM FOR A DREAM hair would actually win that contest. Nothing like a little
electroconvulsive therapy to out-scary Macy Gray.
Yeah. Ellen Burstyn's in THE EXORCIST, so that's not completely random.
Getting high and wandering off,
Jonathan and Valerie.
As a general rule, geometric figures make for horrible, horrible
films.
THE CONEHEADS, for instance. Like we weren't going to realize that they replaced Laraine Newman as Connie. WE'RE
NOT BLIND. The only redeeming quality of that movie is that Parker Posey has a small role as one of Connie's friends,
but that also proves that Parker Posey doesn't make consistently good decisions.
But she knows all of the words to TAINTED LOVE, and that's a great song.
SPHERE is pretty damn repulsive, too. And, unlike THE CONEHEADS, that even had an A-list cast. Sharon Stone, back
when people still kind of paid attention to her and when people didn't know her stupidity was caused by a brain
hemorrhage, Dustin Hoffman, Samuel L. Jackson... And yet holy God, that movie blows. In terms of Michael Crichton
adaptations, it's CONGO bad. That movie had a strictly b-list cast, and it doesn't share its title with a geometric
figure. So we'll just move on.
KFS.
CUBE.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
This movie breaks the "geometry = awful" pattern, because, unlike SPHERE and THE CONEHEADS, it's actually
about the seedy underworld of geometry. And besides, the cube is the punk of the geometric figures-- no rounded
edges for this guy. He's hardcore. He'll totally cut you.
In fact, CUBE does cut someone. In a really, really creative way. It's kind of gruesome, even. And then CUBE does
other really mean things. CUBE is a maze, like the one in LABYRINTH, had LABYRINTH been directed by Darren Aronofsky,
albeit without the cracked-out editing style.
And no one wears obscenely tight pants in CUBE.
The moral of CUBE, then: Geometry kills.
We're sure Sharon Stone would agree.
Taking my fears and that's not nearly all,
Jonathan and Valerie
What can be said after a subject line like that?
Only that we're completely quoting the movie we're showing, so yeah. Don't get mad or anything. If you do get mad,
write Steve Zahn a letter.
He'd probably write back to you. He's really ADD, and that would give him something fun to do. He'd be a great
pen-pal. Seriously. He might try to peer pressure you into doing things that might get you killed, but other than
that, he's a good guy.
He does really great impressions of sounds that people whose jaws have been torn off make. And he's hip to all
sorts of trucker lingo, which is useful for maybe 10 minutes.
KFS.
JOY RIDE.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
So, a fun bit of trivia is that the UK title of this movie was actually ROADKILL, which we think is hilarious and
should've been the US release title, even though JOY RIDE is pretty good on its own terms.
ROADKILL, after all, doesn't have the Roxette connection.
But Steve Zahn isn't in Roxette. Instead, he's in JOY RIDE. Just in case there was any confusion as to why we were
talking about him earlier. And he's really damn funny, and he improvised far too many of his lines. But in a good
way, because they're all great. Every single one of them.
And he gets rather naked, briefly. At a truck stop, no less. With Paul Walker. It's some kind of fraternity stunt.
Or not. Either way, Lee Lee Sobieski doesn't approve. You can tell because she kind of squints her eyes a little
when she's trying to emote.
And she can hold an unrealistic amount of alcohol. In a bar in Nebraska. While wearing a really short miniskirt,
because those are always a good idea when you're on a cross-country road trip, being chased by a demented trucker.
Lee Lee always wants to look her best.
Yeah. Despite the fact that it was marketed to the WB demo, JOY RIDE is actually really well done, though. In case
we hadn't really made that point. Sometimes we lose sight of the big picture.
Exacting some much needed revenge,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Grant proposals and eyepatches are decidedly not fun.
But tonight's movie is fun. We promise. It's Wes Anderson and Owen Wilson Week. Even if they were making a concerted
effort not to be fun, they still would be fun by default.
KFS.
BOTTLE ROCKET.
WEDNESDAY, 10:15 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
Here's something else fun:
http://www.msnbc.com/news/831474.asp?vts=110620021210
We're keeping you entertained AND informed. We win forever.
Embarrassed by proxy for Christian Slater, Matt Damon, David Duchovny, Jimmy Fallon, Ryan Adams, Pete Yorn, Jack
White, half of Wilco, etc,
Jonathan and Valerie.
But we really shouldn't. After all, Valerie is just three degrees
away from Jason Schwartzman.
See:
-Valerie took this class at Vassar with Anne Hathaway.
-Anne Hathaway was the star of THE PRINCESS DIARIES, which co-starred Robert Schwartzman.
-Robert Schwartzman is the brother of Jason Schwartzman.
Whee.
Other celebrities KFS is 3-or-fewer degrees away from:
The Olsen Twins, The Backstreet Boys, Steve Martin, Bill Murray, Mel Gibson, REM, The Moldy Peaches, Beck, Parker
Posey, Debbie Harry, David Cross, Brad Pitt, Kirsten Dunst, Oliver Sacks, Robin Williams, Fred Durst, Bonnie Hunt,
Val Kilmer, Mira Sorvino, Jim Varney, Alan Ruck, George Stephanopolous, Alexandra Wentworth, Jim Breuer, Mandy
Moore, Kane Hodder, Oasis, Tom Hanks, Samuel L. Jackson, and Chris Rock.
Now the only person left for us to meet is Mary Gross.
But back to the Schwartzmans. Robert has followed in his brother's footsteps in several ways-- not only is he an
actor, but he's also in a band. Jason's the drummer for Phantom Planet, and Robert is in a band called Rooney,
named for the principal from FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF.
We aren't sure if Robert can speak Esperanto.
If he can, he and Jason should totally start a band that could be the American version of Sigur Ros. It's fun when
bands sing only in made-up languages. Although Esperanto is certainly not as cool as Hopelandic.
KFS.
RUSHMORE.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
Some people are upset that RUSHMORE does not unfold in real-time. But it does have title cards (for a while, at
least), so it's only one degree away from '24.' Sort of. But we're pretty sure that Kiefer Sutherland wasn't the
president of his high school's Beekeepers Club.
His high school extracurriculars probably read, "heroism, hatching schemes, creative hacksaw use, lost boy,
flatliner."
Who would've predicted that little Kiefer would go on to be a future ex-fiance of Julia Moder?
Not many people can say that. Hold your head up high, Kiefer. It's a proud day for you and your family. You can
start a club with Benjamin Bratt. Lyle Lovett can even be an honorary member. He'll be in charge of bringing the
cookies and the weird hair.
Jason Schwartzman should be careful, or he'll end up as a member of that club, too. He's only 3 degrees away from
Julia:
-Jason Schwartman was in SIMONE with Al Pacino.
-Al Pacino was in INSOMNIA with Robin Williams.
-Robin Williams was in HOOK with Julia Roberts.
Run, Jason. But we've got your back, since we're connected to the guy who played Jason four times. If Julia comes
for you, we'll be ready.
Completely serious about the Mary Gross thing,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Back to top
JEALOUS?
Don't hate me cuz you ain't me.
The only thing that would make us even better would be a wooden finger. We're sure that we could make that happen,
though. There are lots of Amish families around here who'd gladly take us in.
We're just not sure we have the work ethic to cut it. We have to psych ourselves up to write these e-mails, after
all. There's probably no way we could chop wood. We'd just chain smoke and look sullen. That's more our speed.
Or we could write a novel that presupposes that Custer didn't die at Custer's last stand. And then we'd talk about
it in a really hilarious accent and with a weird nose.
The Amish would totally, totally love us.
KFS.
THE ROYAL TENENBAUMS.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
Get this: We haven't oversold on tickets for tonight's movie! They're still going for $0. That's a bargain!
But we would actually pay good money to see a rap-off between Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Stiller. Gwyneth has singing
experience, after all, from DUETS and one song from the new Sheryl Crow CD. But Ben has stage presence AND runway
experience from ZOOLANDER, so they're evenly matched.
Rainforests are the devil. We've got to kill the devil.
And now it seems we've written ourselves into a corner. When will our new play finally be staged? It's sad that
we never really developed as an artist.
Making a cuckold of others,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Welcome to the beginning of KFS' much anticipated 'Movies Referenced
In Other Movies Week'. Which is hilarious if anyone besides us knew what the hell we were talking about. So, we're
going to let you in on our inside joke. Isn't that fun?
We swear we're not elitists. We just want some lovin'.
Okay. You've seen The Coen Brothers' O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?, right? You should've. We totally showed it last
semester. There's no excuse. Not even if you're a freshman or whatever.
Anyway. That movie is great for so many reasons, including the wonderfully obscure title. O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?
is actually the name of a proposed movie in the 1942 film SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS. I mean, why go the Shrek route adn
reference things that the American public has actually heard of? Why not let your movie pay homage to an old movie
about hobos? And we thought we were too clever for our own good.
This "Movies Referenced In Other Movies" game is really fun. Any game where you can connect Eminem to
IMITATION OF LIFE has to be good times.
KFS.
SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS.
WEDNESDAY, 10:15PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
Oh, and this movie is great too, as is O BROTHER WHERE ART THOU?, which we are not showing tonight. It's about
hobos. You can't go wrong. This film producer wants to do research on his new film about the real America. Obviously,
the logical conclusion is to dress up like a tramp and hobo it up for awhile. What else would you do, really?
And no, this research was not used to fulfill requirements for a Philosophy major.
Starting our own cult,
Jonathan and Valerie
So, the film that we're showing tonight used to be the subject of
the single-most preposterous allusion ever made.
And then we saw 8 MILE.
Regardless of your opinion of 8 MILE's merits or lack thereof, there's one scene in that movie that simply defies
all reason-- When 'Rabbit' returns to his mom's trailer to find that she's been watching IMITATION OF LIFE.
Somehow, we're not at all convinced that "Stephanie Smith" (or, for that matter, Kim Basinger) is a fan
of highbrow character studies that deal with the racial politics largely ignored by the film she's actually in.
Eminem? The first white rapper? Huh? The Beastie Boys? Who?
Don't worry, Mike D. No one can see you cry.
Anyway. This movie is now the subject of the second stupidest allusion ever:
KFS.
DAY FOR NIGHT.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
Following Curtis Hanson's logic, this is probably a movie that Brittany Murphy would enjoy.
As is, it's a film that Joey Lawrence is familiar with, because of a lengthy monologue given by Hart Bochner (re:
The Poor Man's David Duchovny) in URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT.
Whoa.
After filming UL2, Joey decided that he wants his eulogy to be a lengthy diatribe about the larger thematic issues
at work in Truffaut's ouevre. Joey is an actor of surprising depth. Did you see BROTHERLY LOVE? That show had pathos.
But really. There's a discussion of DAY FOR NIGHT in URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT. If you can explain to us how that
decision was made, you seriously win something. We're running out of posters, so we'll say that you win some candy.
Everyone loves candy. That sugar cane, it tasted good. Especially the 65-cent kind.
Inside jokes. Yay. It's not like this entire theme week isn't just one extended inside joke anyway. It keeps us
mysterious.
So. The reference to DAY FOR NIGHT in URBAN LEGENDS: FINAL CUT would be comparable to the following:
Jack Black's stoner in I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER watching METROPOLIS.
See? It just doesn't make any damn sense at all.
Those of you who are easily traumatized should skip over the next section of this e-mail. We KFS people like to
keep the campus informed of what's going on in the world of celebrities, and this is certainly... newsworthy. But
we're giving you fair warning.
=====================================================
It fundamentally changes the way you think about the world. Sort of like this:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=493&ncid=790&e=10&u=/ap/20021115/ap_en_mo/actor_arrested
Now think about the plot of FERRIS BUELLER'S DAY OFF... y'know, the whole "chasing a 17 year old boy"
thing. Eew. Really. We mean that. Now we don't know if we can ever watch that movie again, and that is almost incomprehensibly
sad.
=====================================================
Longing for the innocent days of Paul Reubens and Paula Poundstone,
Jonathan and Valerie.
Man, man, I didn't prepare a speech and I'm sorry, but I'm glad that
I didn't. Because I'm not gonna do this like everybody else does it. 'Cause everybody that I should be thanking,
I'm really sorry, but I have to use this time.
See, Maya Angelou said that we, we as human beings, at our best can only create opportunities, and I'm gonna use
this opportunity the way that I want to use it.
So, what I want to say is, um, everybody out there that's watching, everybody that's watching this world. This
world is bullsh*t, and you shouldn't model your life-- wait a second!-- you shouldn't model your life about what
you think that we think is cool. Even though I have an eating disorder and I have somehow sold out to the patriarchy
in this culture that says "Lean is Better." Even though I have done that and have done a video wherein
I wear underwear so that you young girls out there can covet and feel bad about what you have and how thin you're
not, the point is, I have done it. I am lean.
That's why I did succeed sooner than maybe other musicians that maybe were better songwriters, I dunno, better
lyricists, better vocals. I can't say that, but I do know this: This world is bullsh*t. Did I say that this world
is bullsh*t? 'Cause it is.
And my boyfriend can make you disappear. He can pull something out of your ear, and say things like, "We have
not met before, have we?"
Go with yourself.
KFS.
BONNIE AND CLYDE.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
Thank you, and God bless.
Reading from the book of Apple,
Jonathan and Valerie.
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Tonight's movie is really short. 70 minutes, in fact. That's less
than one mix tape, Cure fans.
KFS.
FOLLOWING.
TONIGHT, 10:15 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
No hot-house corn will be provided. Deal with it, vegans.
Did you see MEMENTO? This is Christopher Nolan's first film. That should really be enough of a case to get you
to Higley.
Something else enticing: The heat in Higley is actually working. Be entertained and be warm AT THE SAME TIME.
We're always thinking of others. But what will become of us tomorrow?
Backlit from Heaven,
Jonathan and Valerie.
But fear not, Kenyon. Sleep deprivation will not cause us to shirk
from our responsibilities. You have expectations of us.
That we will show a movie, for instance. And we're going to:
KFS.
THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE.
FRIDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
We were going to use the allstu to dissect the lyrics to "Angelina" by Billy Bob Thornton, but that's
too much to ask right now. Maybe some other time. But not right now. We're too busy deleting what we just wrote.
Get it-- it's like the allstu that wasn't there.
See how tired we are? We're too tired for subtlety. Because Holy God. Look what we just wrote.
That's plenty,
Jonathan and Valerie.
So, remember how, earlier in the semester, we showed RAINBOW BRITE
AND THE STAR STEALER? That was grade. Seriously. And the fact that we had the idea to show it in the first place
made us feel really good about ourselves.
Tonight's movie is even grader.
KFS.
FINAL SURPRISE MOVIE.
SATURDAY, 8 PM.
HIGLEY AUDITORIUM.
We're not going to tell you what the movie is, because that would ruin the surpise. Doi. But we'll give you hints
because, as you'll remember from many of our allstus this semester, we're populists who like to help.
Hints:
-Tonight's movie contains an unbilled "featured extra" appearance by a very young (but very recognizable)
Tobey Maguire. THIS HINT GIVES YOU A TIME-FRAME!
-Tonight's movie contains some very brief, very unintentional male frontal nudity from an actor who did a nude
scene in one of his very first film roles, then swore he would never do any more nudity. He was wrong about that,
because of this movie. We don't think he's naked at any other point in his career. On camera, that is. But yeah.
You don't usually think "Male Frontal Nudity" when you think of the genre of film from which the Final
Surprise Movie is taken. THAT HINT IS POORLY WORDED!
-Both KFS presidents still own memorabilia from when they saw this movie on its opening weekend. Not together,
of course, since we lived in two different states and all. That and the whole "not meeting for another decade-or-so"
thing. ANOTHER TIME-FRAME HINT! Sweet. We're totally, totally giving this away.
-This movie is like if egg-shaped happiness came down from the sky and played video games with you and touched
your breast. THIS HINT GIVES YOU NO EXCUSE FOR NOT SHOWING UP!
Horrified by what Brian just suggested as another hint,
Jonathan and Valerie
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